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The Futility of Asking 'Why'

Someone said to me recently that 'why' is probably the most worthless question you can ask. So I've been thinking about that; we are so used to asking why... I was intrigued by how 'why' can keep us stuck.

The Natural Instinct to Ask 'Why'

It's natural to ask why... why did this happen, why did they act that way? Why did she cheat on me? Why can't he just tell me how he feels? And so it goes. It comes from a natural desire to understand. And the expectation that an answer to that question will make us feel better.

So what about asking 'Why' is Worthless?

Because when you ask why about events or about other people, there really is no answer. You will just find yourself down an endless rabbit hole of speculation and story telling. And that is simply crazy-making. Add to this that whatever your ex says it probably won't make you feel better, or more resolved. Your healing is an inside job, they can't help you with that.

The Futility of Seeking Answers Outside

When we are asking why, we are looking for answers out there. And we have no access to that information to answer those question.. It's not possible to know what goes on inside others. Think for a moment about how challenging it can be to know what's going on inside yourself, so how can we expect to understand what is going on inside someone who is not us?

What's the solution then?

Rather than ask why, trying asking yourself this: Given this, what do I want? Given this, what is the action that serves me? This puts you back in the drivers seat, focused on you, not on them.

So you boyfriend lied to you, your wife wants to end the marriage. The important question is: Given this, what do you choose? How do you choose yourself?

The Energy of Denial in Asking "Why"

The deeper reason that 'why' doesn't serve us is because asking why can keep us in a loop of denial. If you are asking why, you are not just sitting with what has actually happening. It's a way of avoiding the reality that you are in.

When you stop asking why you're no longer fighting with what happened. You don't have to like it, but accepting that it did happen provides you with an opportunity to move forward.

Embracing "What Now?"

Now, imagine shifting your focus from 'why' to 'what now?' 'Why' keeps you stuck in the past, chained to events you can't change.

'What now' propels you into the present, into action, into healing. Back to a place where you have agency.

Taking Responsibility for Your Healing

'What now?' means taking responsibility for your own healing. It allows you to acknowledge your pain without letting it define you. It means deciding to move a little bit closer to the person you want to be.

Navigating Through Pain

So next time you catch yourself spiraling down the 'why' rabbit hole, pause. Take a breath. And ask yourself, 'what now?' What can I do, right now, to take care of myself? To honor my feelings and begin to heal?


Remember, the goal isn't to forget or erase the pain of a breakup, but to navigate through it. To find a path forward so you can find you way back to your own center.

If you are ready to explore this in yourself, book a call with me and see if we are a good fit to work together. I would love to help you move past the need to ask why, and to be on the path is getting your heart back inside your own body.

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